Building confidence

Hey!

Around four years ago, I couldn't go into shops. This wasn't some legal thing like a restraining order, nor a distaste or annoyance for local businesses. It was nothing rational - I was severely anxious. Even going to get a coffee caused me to break out in sweats and panic. I kept telling myself that, for 'normal people,' this should be easy. It shouldn't be an issue. But for me, it was.

In retrospect, it is nice to see that and compare it to what I am like now. It makes me feel as if I have improved in some way - even if it is just building the social capabilities to function properly around others. Now, I've gone from struggling to order coffee, to being able to walk to the gym and exercise alone without fear of someone criticizing the way I act or behave. For people who haven't found social occasions difficult, that may seem silly to brag about. But for me, and those who experienced similar things, it is massive. This has been life-changing.

A key contributor to this shift was personal trainer James Smith's book How to Be Confident. Before you start to judge and say that the book sounds like a gimmick - it's not. I promise you, it works. It is all about how confidence works and the science behind it. One of the main messages that stuck out to me was this:

🧮 CONFIDENCE = EXPERIENCE

Now, that may seem silly, but let's look at it. For me, I apply it to the smaller things in life. For example, I was never that confident at cooking in the kitchen, especially when others were present and may in fact be watching. However, I forced myself into doing it knowing that I would be bad. This led to burnt eggs, burnt bacon, and burnt everything. But, after a few tries, I got better at it. It got easier.

Think now on a slightly larger scale. Exercising at the gym. If you have read any of my other articles, then you will know I am a big advocate for exercising and leading a healthy lifestyle. So going to the gym alone was something I struggled with. But constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone, knowing I would struggle at first, was the way forward.

That isn't to say you should abandon the armbands and throw yourself directly in the deep end hoping to float. There are steps you can put in place that allow you to slowly get deeper and deeper. For example, starting the gym with a friend - especially one that hasn't been to the gym before either. That way you can both look silly using the equipment wrong before you get the hang of it. From there, progress to going at the same time as your friend, but doing a different workout. that way you can build confidence in walking around the gym alone. Finally, move towards going by yourself completely.

Another key thing that James Smith discussed in his book is our survival instinct. As cavemen, we avoided trying to fight a sabre-toothed cat for the sake of surviving. Now, because we don't have as many direct threats to our life, we have migrated towards fearing a 'social death.' We fear being shut down and losing face. But when you actually sit down and consider it, the point is rather silly. Why is that? It isn't going to have that large an effect if you get shut down when asking for someone's number.

In the wise words of some random dude on the internet: "It ain't that deep."

I know it sounds easy in the discussion, but the actions themselves are much harder. That's why I recommend breaking it down into steps. Find your confidence goal, whether that's cooking in public, exercising, public speaking etc. Once you have that, outline three-to-five steps that you can get you there, and put the work in. Once you do that, I promise, it gets easier.

Favourites:

• Book: How to Be Confident by James Smith - I might as well mention this book as my recommendation for the week seeing that the entire article is based on it. I do truly think this is an amazing book. It is deeply rooted in science, with part of it orientated towards self-improvement. It is worth picking up - trust me.
• Podcast: The Tim Ferris Show - If you haven’t heard of this one already, then you are missing out. It covers many different topics such as health, business, and spirituality, all under the umbrella of self-improvement. I recently finished listening to the episode that featured James Clear and found it incredibly interesting.
• App: Todoist - Put simply, it is a to-do list app. But in more detail, it is a brilliant way of staying on track, tracking the tasks you need to complete and making sure you stay accountable to the goals you need to get to. It allows you to list tasks by area, date due and other factors. Super good at making sure you get the stuff done you need to focus on.